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Your help isn't always wanted

Updated: Apr 19, 2020

Your friend puts a post online that they need to paint their house. You come to their house with your friends favorite snacks, a can full of paint, and extra rollers to help them paint their house. They tell you, “well I didn’t ask you to help me or do all of that… you can go home.” I want to remind you that people do not always want help and they do not always want it from YOU. It is painful, but it is the truth. Just because they said they wanted the help, they are not always ready to do the assignment. It can apply to many situations. This can be really painting a house or doing the inner work of healing.


Although I enjoy helping people all decisions cause a return on investment. It can be positive or negative. You have to evaluate a few things when you are going to help someone:

  1. Is this person willing to receive help/advice from you?

  2. Is this person ready and willing to do the work they need to get the “thing” done?

  3. Is your help really helping them or is it enabling their bad behaviors?

  4. Are you mindful of the resources this is going to require of you? This can be time, money, and spiritual/emotional/physical energy.

  5. How are you going to deliver this help? Have you thought about how they receive advice/help?


Is this person willing to receive help/advice from you?

The certain situation that your loved one may be going though, you know what plan would work best. You either have the professional experience or the life experience. Let’s be honest, life teaches us a lot through mistakes!


You have to ask the person “what do you need at this time. Do you want my advice/plan or do you want me to listen?” I was convicted one time and felt that God said “What makes you think

you know what is best for them?” I was baffled. I told my therapist and she says i agree with that and also you may be delaying them from getting the hard lessons that they need to get to where they need to be.” -Yikes double burn!




Is this person ready and willing to do the work they need to get the “thing” done?

A lot of times we ask for advice but we are not fully ready or committed to get the work done. How many times do people ask about diet and workout advice and don’t follow through. It is exhausting. How often do they follow through? Are they up for the challenge that this task is requiring and are they committing to it. Creating a plan of action! Goal to lose 20 pounds by summer. What are they changing on their grocery list, how many days a week are they going to workout, and are they cutting most things out that cause the damage?


Is your help really helping them or is it enabling their bad behaviors?

Your family member keeps asking for money, but you don’t see a change in their work or habit problems. People go through real tough situations and need financial help at times. There are some people that abuse the help and go and buy stuff that they shouldn’t be spending their money on. This makes the lender more angry and closes off their heart for a future person that may need it for real and will pay them back. You need to split responsibilities. IE. I will lend you this money for _______ until the 15th, but you need to pay me back OR In this time I lend you this money you need to go get a job. This is not only with money but other tasks. If you always become someone’s savior… whenever they are in a problem they think of you as their Idol/god.


Are you mindful of the resources this is going to require of you? This can be time, money, and spiritual/emotional/physical energy.

Helping people can be so rewarding in your spirit, but in the same token it can be so draining if you are not careful. My mother always says you have an imaginary glass inside. It is labeled with what you have. You can only give as much as you have. You should give from overflow as well because if you don’t you will burn out. Many other glasses within you require a check. I am running low on energy. I need to replenish before I help this person with this. I know it’s going to take a lot of energy. Steward your resources. You can try to help so much that you end up with the burn out!


How are you going to deliver this help? Have you thought about how they receive advice/help?

Everyone receives information differently. Have you asked this person how they would like to receive advice? Do you know them well enough to know what method works best? I also try to take time to pray beforehand to ask for guidance. I have asked for the words and the proper tone to deliver it appropriately. My one mentor told me this one prayer “Lord give them the eyes to see, ears to hear, and the heart to receive this message.” Preparing the person to get feedback. I have friends that are sentimental, some that just like you to be blunt, and others that need examples. Know your audience! Above all, do it in love.


A little bit of Bible

Read-1 Kings 17:7-24

In this scripture Elijah goes and asks a woman to provide food and the woman has barely enough. He prays over what she has and it doesn’t run out. She is able to feed her family and Elijah continuously. Later her son got sick and she blamed it on Elijah.


Although they did help one another, Elijah's help was then in question.

1 Kings 17:18

“She said to Elijah, “What do you have against me, man of God? Did you come to remind me of my sin and kill my son?”


Since the woman was so overtaken by her pain and circumstance she was blaming the last person that came to help her. The widow was blinded to his help because she let everything going on in her life skew her perception. How many times do we help people that are so hurt by things going on in their life that they miss the good you are doing. We can become hurt by the comments that the people in pain say, but stay close to God and guard your heart. Stay in prayer so you don’t get sidetracked on what your true assignments are. I am not saying we should not help people, but be mindful what our intentions are when we are going to help someone. How our actions will affect the situation and the person you are assisting. Above all let God guide you on how you are to manage what is in front of you.



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